I'm On CAPTAIN BAD ASS TV!

That's right. I'm working with Captain Bad Ass. Actually, this is my second time to work with him. I reprise my role as an abusive cop in the Wacky World of Captain Bad Ass. To get myself into character, I envision myself as a Cop in 1960 and the Miranda Rights don't exist. Now, I know some of you're saying, "Who the Hell is Captain Bad Ass?" Well, picture the old sixties Campy "BATMAN" with Adam West and add in some more bathroom humor(literally) and you've got the gist of what Captain Bad Ass is all about. For all the details, check: Captainbadass

Captain Bad Ass is the Brainchild(some people say it's brainless) of a friend of mine Steven Presley. It's really well done and I'm not the only one who thinks so. Captainbadass.tv got 300,000(Yes, 300,000) hits last month. If I was getting these kind of hits, I'd be writing this blog from Barbados while snorting Cocaine off a Stripper's G String. This Captain Bad Ass crazy banality definitely has appeal. The Foes, Friends, and Writing are an all around riot.

The Episode we shot Monday was in the Police training room where two other officers and myself are being briefed by the Commissioner. Then, unexpectedly a satellite feed comes in through the police video projector showing Captain Bad Ass semi-naked in a tub, waiting for the beautiful, diabolical, Vixen "Gold Digger". The Stooge(Captain Bad Ass)actually thinks he's going to score with "Gold Digger". So, Captain Bad Ass is in the tub dancing, and talking. Basically, Captain Bad Ass is making a complete fool out of himself while "Gold Digger" steals his clothes(along with his Wallet, I'm sure) and hits the bricks. Of course, The Commissioner views this whole scene and is very disgusted with Captain Bad Ass.

Steven Presley aka Captain Bad Ass is also a blast to work with. He lets the actors contribute to the scenes quite a bit by improving and adding lines when needed. He actually listens to what you have to say and will use your ideas if he thinks their good. For example, last summer Steven used one of my ideas to shoot a Captain Bad Ass Vignette at the Star Wars Premiere in Austin, TX which came off great.

Yesterday, while shooting at the Police Training Room, there was a lousy stick figure Sketch of Captain Bad Ass with a cape. I told Steven he ought to have the Commissioner Character say, "Man, we really need a new Police Sketch Artist," or something to that extent and Steven had the Commissioner use it.

Finally, in my first scene as the Abusive Cop, we were filming a shot where the Commissioner is instructing a couple of officers outside the Police Station while I'm in the background beating the living hell out of some poor citizen with another cop. Steven also let me make up my lines for this.

Okay, I'll quit sucking up ,but I feel the need to praise Presley for this because I have found it rare for other productions that I work on to let me contribute this much. That's why some productions like you to improvise. So, they don't have to write it and can take credit for it. Although I'm lauding Presley, don't ever forget "THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE IS STILL CAPTAIN BAD ASS'S FORMER SIDEKICK AND ARCH NEMESIS" ,but that's another story. I digress.

Hell, I've got lots of ideas for Captain Bad Ass. Here's one. You know the military has a non lethal crapping/puking weapon that they can use to disperse crowds. It works by emitting low frequency waves which causes you to lose control of your bowels or have the urge to puke violently. So, here's my idea which would also work well for Mike Myers and the next Austin Powers movie. Dr. Evil is holding the whole world hostage for "1 Million Dollars" or he'll continue to embarrass heads of state by making them crap and puke suddenly in public at the most inappropriate time with his low frequency Ultimate Crap Weapon.

Talk about playing shit games with people. How can you stop this? If you try to send in the air force to strike the weapon, Doctor Evil will just shut it on and all the Pilots will all be involuntarily crapping and puking in their cockpits before they get anywhere near the crap weapon. How can someone fight when they feel the urgent need to run to the bathroom? They can't or can they? There is a cure available which is an extremely high(almost toxic) dose of Pepto Bismol that will provide a limited time of relief. The problem is the governments of the world can't produce it fast enough. So, they give the limited supply they have to Austin Powers and it's up to him to sneak into Dr. Evil's lair and stop his insidious plans. Man, this idea is an obvious winner. I'm definitely sending this one to Mike Myers.

GOD, I can't wait until Captain Bad Ass becomes a franchise like "Star Trek" and I'm at the Conventions signing autographs of my head shots for five bucks(Oh, it will happen). Even if they have to get Brad Pitt to play me in the movie, I'll still have it made for life because I'll be the guy from the original show like Jeffrey Hunter in the "Star Trek" pilot episode "The Cage". All the Captain Bad Ass fans will be worshiping me at the conventions saying stuff like, "Man, it's that guy from the original episodes" This will be followed by endless frivolous questions, about those few episodes that I was in. Then, I'll have to tell Mr. Brad Pitt to step aside for the real ABUSIVE COP STAR from the original series and the fans will CHEER!!!

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOO!!!!!

I'm Number 1 On GOOGLE & YAHOO!

My Column at: austinactors.net comes up as the first and second listing on Google and Yahoo for the search phrase: The Total Man Package. On Google, I'm number 1 out of 13,000,000 Websites. On Yahoo, I'm number 1 out of 11,900,000 Websites. I'm even still number one on both search engines without the, The. Now, that's just Pure Unadulterated POWER! I'm just going to have to start mentioning my Number 1 Status at Dinner parties(and every where else) to impress everyone. Now, all I have to do is get invited to a Dinner Party. I think all the other Websites with the Total Man Package search phrase are for Pro Wrestlers and Male Porn Stars(Click Read More)

THERE IS NO DEBATE! I have clearly taken over the Internet. Start worshiping me now before it's too late. It's like, "The Nature Boy Rick Flair" says, "To Be The Man, You've Got To Beat, You've Got To Beat,THE DAN" Oh no, Flair doesn't say MAN. He definitely says DAN. Listen closely the next time you GOONS are watching Wrestling.

Oh yeah, I know you don't watch Pro Wrestling just like you don't read my Columns and Blogs yet I'm number one on Google and Yahoo. WWE Wrestling is the number one Cable show yet no one admits to watching it each Monday Night. Sure, all the Millions of TVs are stuffed into my apartment hooked up the Nielsen ratings machines. You Idiots aren't fooling me! YOU'RE WATCHING PRO WRESTLING! SO, ADMIT IT! DAMN IT! Don't make me come to your house and put THE BOOTS TO YA! Hey, if you admit you're in the Denial Stage, aren't you really in the Acceptance Stage? I digress again.

Take Care! THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

High School Kid In Irag- NOT WHAT IT SEEMS!

I friend of mine just said, "That High School Kid that just got back from Iraq(Farris Hassan, a 16-year-old from Florida,) He's the Bomb" I said, "He's the bomb all right. He might actually be a human bomb." Think about it. I just can't believe it's that easy to get out of Iraq. If it's so easy, how come we can't get our troops out? David Letterman said something like, "The kids got an exit strategy, but the Bush Administration doesn't".

I bet the first thing that kid did when he got home was to take off his shirt and show his father a bomb duck tapped to his chest ,by an Insurgent, with a chilling tale about how it's going to go off, in the next 72hrs, if they don't wire a hundred thousand dollars back to Iraq. Now, this kids poor family doesn't know whether to cut the red wire or green wire on his suicide bomb or to just pay the Damn Ransom.

Hell, these Insurgents might even have a more sinister plan. With all the publicity this kid is getting, they might be hoping he'll get an audience with the President and then they'll ignite the bomb. I'm calling the Secret Service. Don't worry! THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE IS ON THE JOB! I WILL THWART THE EVIL DOERS PLANS!!!

Take Care! THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!