Sheryl Crow DUMPED ME!

They said it wouldn't last and DAMN IT they were right. Lance Armstrong tried to warn me. Lance said, "Package, I wanted to strangle you with one of my Livestrong Wristbands when you first came by with Sheryl to pick up her stuff, but I felt I needed to be honest with you from one World Champion Cyclist to another that Sheryl is just going to use you." Well, to be honest with you I was pretty sure Lance was right and I was planning on just using her to get where I wanted then dump her, but she beat me to the punch. DAMN IT!

I'm pretty sure someone tipped her off about my plans of dumping her after winning the Tour De France 7 times. I'm also pretty sure one of you IDIOTS reading my Blog did it as well. I don't know who it was ,but when I find out there will be retribution.

I know Sheryl didn't find out by reading my blog because she told me on several occasions how stupid she thought the whole thing was. Now, the problem is narrowing the suspects down. I have some many enemies out there I'm not sure who did it. DAMN IT AGAIN!

I mean it couldn't have been me that pissed Sheryl off. All I ever did was cook her meals, pick up her laundry, and do numerous other boot licking activities for her. Sheryl did get a little annoyed when I asked her to sign a couple of cases of her CDs for me to sell on Ebay. I said, "Sheryl what's the big deal. You couldn't move your CDS out of the back of a trunk of a 1980 El Camino for free 20 years ago. I'm just trying to make some more cash so I can afford your pricey lifestyle." She just didn't see the logic.

Man, I had some really big plans with Sheryl too. I was going to use all of Sheryl's clout and contacts to really further all my selfish dreams like hanging out with James Caan(The Godfather etc), and Fred Dryer(from the TV Show "Hunter") at the Playboy Mansion 24/7 like they do.

Sheryl and I even had mutual goals. We planned on doing an 80's Metal Rock Cover CD together. Lance and Sheryl never did that (Thanks for the suggestion Danni). Queen's "Bicycle" was going to be our first Hit Release. I even grew a Damn David Spade "Joe Dirt" style mullet to get ready for the tour. We were going to be bigger than Sony and Cher. Now, it will never happen.

Oh well, I guess it wasn't meant to be. You and Lance had around 2 years and we had around 2 weeks. It's just as well the relationship ended when it did because there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to come up with my portion of the rent at Sheryl's place this month for $10,000. Believe me, she would have issued eviction papers.

I'll never forget the good times. Like when I was out riding my mountain bike in the rain and brought it in your house and parked it on the carpet. Then, Sheryl made me shampoo and re-shampoo it for hours until it met her high standards. Oh yeah, those were heady times.

Yeah, I admit it. I was pretty bitter like one of the members of Lance's cycling team that never gets any credit for helping Lance win all those Tour De France titles when Sheryl first dumped me ,but there's always a silver lining out there.

Lance got me re-instated as overnight security for his Lance Armstrong Foundation Live To Ride Gala Event event after I told everyone to go F themselves when I started dating Sheryl and they canned me at the Convention Center. Lance said he likes it when I'm working for him. Lance is even considering not making the Convention Center employees turn in their $2 Livestrong Bracelets this year after the event. God, what a guy! Man, I must have been crazy not to listen to Lance. He's a World Champion Cyclist for God's Sake and they know everything.

I'm just DAMN, DAMN Glad I stuck to my guns and didn't ditch my priceless 80's Metal Collection(Dokken, Ratt, Motley Crue, Van Halen, Loverboy, Whitesnake, etc.) of cassettes like Sheryl wanted. Yeah, I rolled over on everything else for Sheryl ,but I stuck to my guns on this one thank God.

I am getting really tired of being used by Chicks for my Stud looks and Cycling skills though. It would be nice to be admired by women for the usual things they want like the big houses, expensive cars, and lots of cash. Oh well, I guess that's for all the other 9-5 Ham and Eggers with real jobs and pensions not The Package.

It's just as well I broke up with Sheryl. I'm working on the "Friday Night Lights" TV Pilot based on the movie. They are shooting at Pflugerville High School and there's no way I would have rode my bike from Austin there. Then, Sheryl would have probably found out that I drove my car and dumped me anyway.

Well, I've got to go hit the bars with Lance. You know it's not easy for us guys on bikes getting dumped by Chicks. We'll be trading war stories about Sheryl all night.

At least, the words out on you SHERYL! You won't be dating anymore young Stud Cyclists in Austin while "THE PACKAGE" IS AROUND.

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!