PRESIDENT BUSH PRANK CALLING?

-Former President Bush (That's President Bush's father) feels he's been completely vindicated for not going into Iraq in the first Gulf War since the current war has been a complete disaster. Apparently, Bush 41 has been personally prank calling all the Pundits, Politicians, Generals, Military Strategists, etc. who said he was wrong and hanging up. Bush 41 is saying something like, "It looks like President Bush's father wasn't such an idiot after all. It looks like he's a real genius for not going into Iraq huh". Then, he hangs up.

-The problem is that President Bush 41 isn't aware of caller ID and star 69 just like he wasn't aware of the electronic bar coding scanning devices in grocery supermarkets. So, now all these people Bush has prank called are calling Bush back to confirm his phone calls and Bush has the audacity to deny he made the calls. When these Pundits, Media networks, etc. say, "But President Bush the Caller Id says, President Bush 41." All Bush can say is, "READ MY LIPS! I didn't make those phone calls."

-Bush may have an Ace in the hole to cover his ass on this one. He can always just say it was Barbara (his wife you Jabronies) that made the calls. I'm pretty sure Barbara's voice comes close to a man's under voice graph analysis.

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!

DNC Wants Me To Be A REPUBLICAN?

About a week ago I went to work for a very liberal fund raising company in Austin, TX called Telefund as a Telephone fundraiser. Telefund works for several causes such as the DNC, Planned Parenthood, Amnesty International, Human Rights Campaign, Sierra Club, etc.

I was calling for the Democratic National Committee(DNC) and doing quite well. I called people who have already donated and tried to get them to donate a hell of a lot more than they already have.

I didn't have a problem with calling people who have already donated and asking them for money. I just wasn't comfortable pushing old ladies for more money than they seemed to have and for their credit cards. I understand why they want credit cards because they are the fastest and most effective way to put the funds to use.

I made $40.00 dollars in donations for about 50 Minutes of work during my training observation. Mostly, my trainer(and the girl sitting next to my trainer who would chime in) seemed impressed with my performance, but they thought I should be more aggressive. I said, "So basically, you want don't want me to listen that much to the caller, cut them off more, and be more persistent about getting the credit card for the donation." They agreed. I said, "Then, what you really want is for me to be a Republican." I was kidding and they got a good laugh out of this, but I was also trying to make a point at the same time.

I think it's more important to listen to people and let them rant some. This builds rapport and more credibility for the fund raising organization and I think you'll make more money in the long run with this approach.

Unfortunately, when it comes to making money, the Ultra Liberal Telefund is just like most companies and the rest of us we're Republicans.

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Super MORONS Say Superman Un-American

It's a BIRD, It's a Plane, It's a Korean Taepo Dong (Type of Dildo Missile) crashing into the Japanese Ocean! Who's in charge of their defense? Dr. Evil? It's been a hell of a 4th of July. I even heard Bush thought that all the fireworks today were an al-Qaeda attack.

Well, another real Un-American story is that guys like Sean Hannity are saying the latest Superman movie is Un-American because it has dropped the American Way from Superman's slogan. Hannity made these comments on Friday's edition of Hannity and Colmes. I saw the movie and Hannity couldn't be more wrong and I'm betting Super Moron (Hannity) hadn't even seen the movie at the time of his comments.

First of all, Superman has never been American. He's from KRYPTON! YOU FESTERING DOLT!!! Second, Superman doesn't just save Americans. He saves people worldwide. He's an international hero. Third, it's an marketing ploy to make the movie more acceptable to everyone throughout the world. Fourth, I wouldn't be surprised if the American way statement was just added to Superman lore as a Propaganda tool to fight the Nazi's or Communists.

I think dropping the American way part of Superman's slogan is more American because it shows tolerance and open mindedness to other ideas.

Hannity also said this Superman movie doesn't represent the America he lives in. Well, he must be in the Bazarro Superman Universe because the movie has already made over 106 Million Dollars. The America I live in is definitely going to see the movie. Hey Sean, what kind of Kryptonite turns you into a non critical thinking neocon? IdiotKryte.

I think Hannity just decided to hate Superman because of the other controversy saying Superman is gay. I don't agree that Superman is gay. He's definitely Metro Sexual ,but he's not gay. The new movie proves this. Then, there's the Christ comparisons in the movie with Superman. Will the comparisons ever end.

Sean, if they come out with a Captain America movie and they change his name to Captain UN and he's incapable of stopping genocide, then I'll be on your side. Besides, you better not get Alan "Clark Kent" Colmes too riled up and make him take his glasses off.

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

The Inconvenient Truth for Gore haters is that Al Gore does not have a RECYCLED STICK UP HIS ASS! Gore's new Global Warning Movie "An Inconvenient Truth" proves that Gore has Copious Charisma. Yes, Republicans I know you think we've entered the Bizarro Universe of Superman lore, but you're just going to have to accept it. AL GORE IS NOW COOL! The movie is very informative, funny, and exceedingly well done.

Before the movie started, I decided to do my part for the environment and announced to the Audience that I was going to talk to the management to have the AC shut off in the theater to help save the planet (No. 7 On Gores 10 Thing To Do List- Adjust your thermostat to reduce carbon dioxide production).

I live in Austin, Texas and it was around 97 Degrees out on Saturday the 17th of June when I saw the movie. Suddenly, everyone in the audience turns from Environmentalists to Irate Realists and start rebuking me. No, you idiot! Don't do that! Then, I agree not to talk to the management if everyone concedes to ride the bus home after the movie since it's an Ozone action day after all.

Sorry Gore, this suggestion also went no where fast. If saving the environment means sweating your ass off while watching your movie or riding the bus with bums, it's not going to happen. There's just got to be another way.

I left the movie all pumped up to continue to do my part to save the world. Unlike you loads, I ride my bike almost everywhere although I did drive to the movie. I have even been mocked by some kid with his buddies for riding my bike. He pointed at me and said, "Hey, look it's Environmentally Conscious White Guy riding his bike." That's right Gore. I'm giving up all coolness and being publicly ridiculed just to do my part to save the damn planet.

Well, I was all jazzed to save the environment until I picked up one of the Complimentary Movie Posters after the show. The poster must be made out of some sort of environmental soybean product because when I unrolled it in the parking lot to look at with my friend I couldn't roll it back up again without it getting crinkled.

I was considering getting the poster framed because I liked the movie so much. Now, I'm concerned if I do the damn poster will just dissolve because it's biodegradable and I'll be stuck with an empty frame. I'm just going to have the get the poster treated with environment killing chemicals to preserve it.

No. 10 On Gore's Ten Things To Do list from the movie: Spread The Word! Encourage your friends to see AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.

Check climatecrisis the website for the movie for all the details.

Oh, my GOD! It's true! Forget the Carbon Dioxide Levels! Al Gore trendy? stylish? George Bush is President? IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD!

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Immigration Issue SCREWS National Guard

That's right The National Guard is no longer the last niche of absolutely do nothing Military Service. For years the Guard, was a convenient way to get out of doing real Military Service for lots of people(like President Bush), but now you've actually got to do something(unlike Bush). Due to the current Immigration Crisis, National Guard Soldiers now have to work the borders building stuff, and helping the Border Patrol.

Gone are the days of National Guard personnel just hanging around Airports and Bus Stations all day. It seems to me every time I've been at the airport or bus station there's some military person there with a Duffel Bag doing nothing. Yeah, they're all on there way home. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure when you joined the Guard this was just another thing they'd get you to do to kill time at least that's what my sources tell me.

I mean, How the hell are you suppose get free money for college and shirk your responsibilities at the same time now? I don't know ,but maybe the Coast Guard still has Slacker positions. I don't think the Coast Guard is even under a real military department. I think they're under the Transportation Department. I just did some research on the Coast Guard. They were under the Transportation Department until 2003 when they were brought under the Department of Homeland Security. DAMN IT! THERE ARE NO JACK OFF MILITARY GIGS LEFT!!!

Finally, I'm not necessarily against a wall being put up on the US Southern Borders. What I'm afraid of is, what happens if this country turns into a 3rd World Country or there's some kind of apocalypse like those Mad Max Movies? Then, I'm going to have to climb or pole vault the son of bitch to get hell out of here and there's a damn good chance this could happen.

Yeah, I know. There's always Canada, but I live in Texas and I rather just run to Mexico like people did in "The Day After Tomorrow" with Dennis Quaid & Jake Gyllenhaal.

Oh wait a minute. Forget everything I've said. The National Guard stopped being a piece of cake when they started sending them to Iraq. Sorry, somehow I forgot all about that.

Talk to you later. Take Care!

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

1 Midichlorian Jedi

Since George Lucas decided to ruin the whole concept of the Force in "Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace" with the Stupid Midichlorians, I've decided to create a new Star Wars Character called "1 Midichlorian Jedi". You see the Force is no longer a Universal Field you can learn to tap into through special training. Now, it's just a genetic lottery with the Midichlorians.

Below is a description of the Midichlorians from Wikipedia.

Midi-chlorians (also spelled "midi-clorians" or "midichlorians") are mysterious organisms in the fictional Star Wars universe, first seen in the prequel trilogy. They are microscopic life-forms that reside within the cells of almost all living things and communicate with the Force. Midi-chlorians comprise a collective consciousness and intelligence, forming links between everything living and the Force. They are symbionts with all other living things; that is, without them, life could not exist. The Jedi have learned how to listen to and coordinate the midi-chlorians.

Hey Charles Manson according to the Jedi Geiger Counter(Like the one Qui-Gon Jinn[Liam Neeson] used on Anakin), your Midiclorians are off charts! Do you want to be a Jedi Knight? Better yet, some psycho like Jeff Dahmer could have just ate his way to Jedi Powers by consuming people with Midichlorians.

1 MIDICHLORIAN JEDI CHARACTER DESCRIPTION:

He's a Jedi with just one Midichlorian. So, his Jedi Powers really suck. For example, he mentally strains himself just levitating straws and pushing mosquitoes away. This obviously makes him a big screw up and embarrassment for the Jedi Order. This guys just an all around problem. You don't need Jar Jar Binks around for comic relief with "1 Midichlorian Jedi" on the scene. It's because of 1 Midichlorian Jedi that the Jedi Order now requires a 10 Midichlorian Minumum before excepting applicants for training.

On earth, the lack of Midichlorians also works to your advantage. It's not your fault if you're cretinous, lackadaisical, or untalented. It's because you lack the Midichlorians. There could even be a whole Midichlorian Quota system set up.

By the way, are Pope Benedict XVI and the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine the same guy? They look a like. If Pope Benedict isn't the guy in the movie, he's definitely a Sith Lord on earth. The Pope's got the look for it and the qualifications as a former Hitler Youth member(in his defense he was required to join).

Yeah, I know the Star Wars Saga isn't real, but this Midiclorian thing not only ruined the concept of force ,but it was totally unnecessary to the story. When Darth Vader was bearing down on Luke near the end of the first movie, he said something like, "The force is strong with this one". He didn't pull out a Midichlorian Geiger Counter and say the Midiclorians are strong with this one because it wasn't necessary. The force was something you could sense or acquire through dedication and self development.

Well, if I have to live with the Midichlorians, Lucas you have to live with THE PACKAGE changing your iconic catch phrases. "MAY THE MIDICLHORIANS (Not the Force) BE WITH YOU" If we're going to have this lame concept, I want accuracy.

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

US Citizenship FAST-TRACK Program For SPANISH SPEAKING IMMIGRANTS !!!

Are you a Spanish speaking non American who wants American Citizenship? Well, I've got a FOOLPROOF plan for fast-tracking you on the path and it's ABSOLUTELY LEGAL! Just claim you're CUBAN.

Under current US Policy, Cuban refugees who reach dry land are allowed to stay and those still in water are generally sent back. It's called the "Wet Foot Dry Foot Policy".

Below is some background info of why this is from:
http://www.rense.com/general65/amain.htm

"The 1966 Cuban Adjustment Act is an antiquated cold war federal immigration law that gives only Cuban refugees leaving Cuba preferential treatment by their ethnicity which is not supposed to be permitted under the U.S. Constitution and U.S. Civil Rights Act. It permits Cuban refugees to leave Cuba and enter the U.S. illegally and if they stay one year and one day, are then permitted to remain in the U.S. and apply for citizenship and receive it in two years while all other ethnic groups must enter the U.S. legally and receive citizenship in five to ten years!" (Source http://www.rense.com/general65/amain.htm).

Sorry Mexico, Honduras, Ecuador, and all other Central, South American and Spanish Speaking Countries of the world. We know most of you're countries are an F-ing Mess ,but this policy only applies to people escaping an oppressive, abusive, communist regime Run by Fidel Castro not an oppressive, abusive, regime run by anyone else. I guess this is why we keep the Haitians out. Besides their official language is Creole.

Why waste your time with the traditional immigration process? If I was an illegal from Mexico, Honduras, etc., I'd head to Florida with a make shift raft, float out a few feet into the water, then paddle back in and declare I'm a Cuban Refugee. Can't make it to Florida. Do it on the Texas Coast. I'm sure it will work as well. Just study some basic Cuban culture and history, work on your Cuban accent and adamantly oppose Castro.

How hard could this be to pull off? I bet your Cuban accent doesn't even have to be that good for this to work. Rent "SCARFACE" with Al Pacino if you need practice. How many immigration officials can tell the difference between accents anyhow? I'm also pretty certain this process is also faster than one of you Spanish ladies having to marry some Greasy Gringo through a mail order Bride Service for citizenship.

Man, I don't care if your from Estonia. If you know some Spanish, this plan works for you as well.

I know a Chinese girl who's been here for years and spent thousands for lawyers just to get a Green Card. She should have just learned Spanish and claimed she was Cuban. Hell, she's even married to an American now and I think she still doesn't have American Citizenship.

Yeah, I'm just joking around ,but this plan is definitely plausible. So, you better get on the Band Wagon or like they say in Spanish "El Bandwagon'o" before it's too late because I wouldn't be surprised if the government shuts down this blog.

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!