Without Delay, TOM DELAY is GONE and MATTRESS MAN?

If you haven't heard Former Republican Majority Leader and Future Former US Texas Congressman Tom Delay, has decided to exterminate(He used to be an Exterminator) his position. It's no longer "HAMMER TIME"(his nickname was The Hammer). It's a real shame too. Delay was the best Democratic Demon since Newt Gingrich.

Chis Matthews of HARDBALL is interviewing Delay and asking how he is going to work on the outside of Congress. Well, I know how you can work the outside literally. Tom if you're going to work as a Lobbyist, why not get your feet wet with a ground floor opportunity like "MATTRESS MAN" Last weekend, I turned my Mattress Man Costume Gig into a Mattress Education/Prevention/Protest Event(Yes, I really did this). I was holding my Factory Mattress Outlet sign saying, "Stop Mattress Abuse Now! Stop Mattress Abuse Now!.... I also spewed out several pertinent Mattress facts that most of the public is unaware of.

FACTS LIKE:

-90% of Illegitimate Babies are created on Mattresses.
-85% of People are late for work because of oversleeping due to their Mattresses.
-80% of Male Blindness is caused by an inappropriate sexual relationship with their Mattress and 100% of that 80% doesn't have a girlfriend.
-75% of all Sex happens for all people on Mattresses.

Of course, the most disturbing Statistic is that after your Mattress has given you a lifetime comfortableness and sleeping pleasure 99% of them are just Dumped into the Dumpster like Common Trash. I don't know what the hell happens to the 1% that's left. I guess they just eventually dissolve.

So, Tom Consider the Mattress Man gig a really, really low level Grassroots(you'll probably be standing in Grass)Lobbyist position. I'm sure there are still a couple of "MATTRESS MAN" Costumes available. I'm also pretty sure no one will recognize you in the Mattress Man outfit if you're looking for a low profile. Furthermore, I'm almost certain the Mattress Man Gig pays in Cash which is your and my favorite kind of Money Tom. You won't have to worry about any kind of illegal funding investigations with this opportunity.

Tom, I don't want to be too Pollyanna-ish about this position. There were a some drawbacks working last weekend. On my way to the corner of the highway, with my Mattress Costume and sign, I passed two Hispanic Restaurant workers emptying trash into a Dumpster. They were smiling at me. I said, "And you guys thought your job sucked". They must have knew some English because they laughed. SIDE-NOTE: Revelation! I can probably go to Mexico and sneak back into the country as an illegal alien and still get a job better than MATTRESS MAN! It was also very windy last weekend. If someone had a string, I could have been Kite MATTRESS MAN. Finally, my Damn Mattress Outfit also has BEDBUGS. So, if you could bring your old Exterminator equipment I'd appreciate it.

By the way, Tom does your buddy Jack Abrahamoff have any Cash left because GOD, I'VE GOT TO GET A NEW LIFE!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!