MATTRESS MAN Follow Up

Yesterday, I went to get my "MATTRESS MAN" Outfit and to fill out Mattress Man paperwork. They must really need a Mattress Man because I've continued to be a Complete Smart Ass and they still want to use me. Although they do have a Temp Service on call for backup.

The lady in charge of hiring Mattress Guys said that if I had to come in to use the bathroom just do so. I said, "Oh so, there's no Bed Wetting allowed." She also told me to be sure to check in. Apparently, the guys are falling asleep in their Mattress Outfits and waking up the next day in the Parking Lot.

Then she asked me if I had any questions. I said, "Have you had any trouble with guys getting BEDBUGS? She laughed and said no, but I might get LICE.

As for my MATTRESS MAN Outfit, let's just say it doesn't have the Tempur-pedic Space Age design. I think Lindsay Wagner(The Bionic Woman) would give this Mattress Costume a Sleep number of 99 for Out of Control Cumbersome. My Peripheral Vision is about zero in the Costume. Basically, the costume is just like a Mattress Shirt with 2 holes for my arms and a big square opening for my face.

I hope no major Evil Doer decides to attack the city of Austin because putting the "MATTRESS MAN" Costume on takes some room. I can't just jump into a phone booth like that Chump Superman. The suit is also very large. So, I don't have the luxury of wearing the Mattress Outfit under my Clothes like most Superheroes. I guess I'll just have to do Drills like Firemen to get up to speed for the Evil Doers.

Okay, I know what some of you are thinking now. You can't believe I'm really going to go through with this. Well, now I'm beginning to have some doubts. My first day to work is April 1st. Yes, it's all just an April Fool's joke or maybe it's "Punk'd" with Aston Kucher. Well, keep trying Kucher because you'll never PUNK THE PACKAGE!!! Especially when I'm doing it to myself with this "MATTRESS MAN" Gig. Yes, I'm also aware it could be Candid Camera The Next Generation because unfortunately Allen Funt from the original show is dead.

There are even more benefits than the ones I previously mentioned. I now have a free Halloween Costume for next year. Also, the Mattress Hiring Lady said I can listen to my Self Help Audio Tapes while in Costume which aren't really working worth a DAMN since I'm Playing MATTRESS MAN. If I see a homeless guy working the same corner as me making more Cash, I'm dumping my FACTORY MATTRESS, Beautyrest, Tempur-Pedic sign and using the "Need Money for Beer" sign just like him.

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!