The Package Plays "MATTRESS MAN" What?

Man, I didn't think it could get any better than almost playing a Mexican Luchadore Wrestler for SXSW. Well, it can. Now, I'm going to be "MATTRESS MAN" DUN'IT DAAAAAA!!!(works if you sing it). I'm going to be wearing a Mattress Costume to help promote the Factory Mattress Outlet locations in Austin, TX.

I called about working as MATTRESS MAN from an AD I saw on Craigslist. I spoke to the Lady in charge of hiring guys to wear Mattress Costumes and she said they will definitely be using me. So, there's a good chance they won't be pulling the Plug on this Gig like Paramount Pictures did on my Mexican Luchadore role.

Before I decided to accept the gig, I asked the hiring lady if they had any problems with homeless guys overpowering the Mattress Costume guys and using them for their personal beds or bathrooms in an alley by a dumpster. She assured me that it was a nice neighborhood. (I really had this conversation with her).

This is good to know because it's hard to move mattresses when you've got Beer Stains and Bum Body Odor on your Mattress Costume. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask her if she ever had a problem with guys falling asleep in their Mattress Outfits or dogs urinating on them.

If my Costume Acting Career continues to skyrocket like this, you might see me on a major TV Show soon. Comedy Central's Reno 911 used to beat the hell out of this poor Human Milkshake Costume guy (He deserved it). They even killed him on one episode as a season cliffhanger and an investigation followed in which all the Reno cops ended up in jail. Hell, I need to call them. I could be the new MILKSHAKE COSTUME GUY!

Okay, I know what some of you are thinking. Package it sounds like your Acting Career is nose diving. Well, you've got to look at the positives. At least, I'm not wearing a Captain Bad Ass Costume yet CAPTAINBADASS and if I'm really lucky I might get a deal on a mattress because my $99 Air Bed isn't cutting it.

Besides, you PUNKS better watch what you say and do around MATTRESS MAN or I'll use my Mattress Powers to put you to sleep. As Mattress Man I can invoke narcolepsy upon anyone at anytime within an instant. I can also take a hell of a personal beating due to my Extraordinary Mattress Padding. The only problem with this is that it makes it hard for me to KICK ASS! When I punch someone, it doesn't have that much of an effect because I'm so DAMN SOFT and COMFORTABLE! DAMN IT!

NO, I'm not telling you idiots which location I'm working either. I've already had several requests from so called friends who said, "Man, where's this happening? I've got to see you in that Stupid Costume". Well, there's going to be enough people driving by throwing cans and calling me a DORK thank you.

Don't push it! You're going to make me ANGRY! You don't want me to turn into BLOODY MANIAC MATTRESS CHAINSAW MAN!!!

THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!